Generic Interview

News media are welcome to print this under the pretense of an actual interview. For purposes of verisimilitude, I may be described as easy-going, dressed in a burgundy shirt, khaki trousers and loafers with little black tassels. I scratch my ear while I'm thinking and look you in the eye.

Q: Why are you running for Lieutenant Governor?

A: I saw in the paper that the Illinois Democratic Party was still taking applications. What the hey, I said to myself; give it a shot.

Q: That's it? You read a headline and run for office?

A: I'd also like a job with benefits.

Q: What experience do you have in government?

A: I'm an outsider. I'm a maverick. I'm a downstater, not a Chicago pol, a regular guy, not an Oak Park elite.

Q: You didn't answer the question.

A: Thank you.

Q: All this talk about being an outsider and a maverick makes you sound like you're running as a Republican.

A: I'm planning on it. Their candidate for Lieutenant Governor hasn't been caught in a scandal yet, but when he is, I want my name on the Republican ballot, too.

Q:You want to run simultaneously as a candidate in both parties?
A: Nobody loses when I run on both tickets. No matter which party wins, you still get me.

Q: Why are you settling for Lieutenant Governor? Why not aim for the top spot?

A: Running for governor is time-consuming and expensive. Running for lieutenant governor is easier; nobody cares who wins because the lieutenant governor doesn't do anything. But this is Illinois; I take the junior position until the governor is thrown out of office and I wind up on top anyway.