It's official.

I have filed my request for nomination to the office of Lieutenant Governor with the Democratic Party of Illinois. The initial vetting process involved answering a series of questions. Here they are, along with my answers. You, the voter, deserve no less.

1. Why are you a Democrat?
There is currently a three-year waiting list for entry-level positions in organized crime, and most of those jobs don’t have health benefits.

2. Have you previously held elected office? If so, which one(s)?
Having never held elected office, my reputation is untainted by the slightest hint of political scandal.

3. What do you believe are the greatest challenges facing the State of Illinois and areas of greatest opportunity?
Here in Illinois, the Heart of the Midwest, the Land of Lincoln, the Prairie State, along whose western boundary the Mississippi River, “Father of Waters,” flows with a steadiness evocative of the strength and purpose of the early settlers who brought in their ox-drawn wagons an enduring faith in the importance of hard work and just rewards, we, indeed, have great challenges and opportunities.

4. What strengths would you bring to the ticket?
At a time when voters are sick of insiders, elites and career politicians, I offer political inexperience, below-average intellect and a proven history of losing interest in things after a few weeks.

5. Please list any organizations or elected officials that have endorsed your candidacy for lieutenant governor.

I am beholden to no organization or public figure. Therefore, my candidacy will be free from the stigma of “endorsements” and “support”; I will have to win this race on my own lack of qualifications.